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On Relationships I Think We Over-Think

August 3, 2014 by costaricaguy Leave a Comment

On Relationships I Think We Over-Think

If there is one area where you might NOT want to take advice from me…it’s relationships.

I tend to suck at them.

But I’ve had a few in my time and the experience of all that has led me to some conclusions.

One of which is that on relationships I think we over-think…most of the time.

I’m primarily talking about the amorous kind.

I read an interesting piece this morning shared by a friend of Srinivas Rao on relationships between men and women.

I read it several times and my take away came down to this…

(it was advice from a woman to a man…by the way)

Don’t give a woman what she wants (or what you think she wants), give her what she needs…

a MAN…

as opposed to a doormat.

OK, I can get on board with that. And I have done the opposite.

I have clamoured for love by catering to a woman’s every whim.

And it does tend NOT to work. Well, perhaps it will for a time, but in the end, usually disaster ensues.

And the person acting the part of doormat generally gets hurt much worse than the person wiping their soiled feet over you, again and again.

So, yes I will agree, men, it’s best we stand our ground.

Stand up for who we are and not allow their (the women, that is) ups and downs take us through a roller-coaster-like crisis of self identification and worth.

I’ve been on that one lately. No fun.

And if it ain’t fun, what’s the point?

Relationships are supposed to enhance our experience of life, not make it a living hell, right?

But then again, are we not over-thinking a bit here?

Of course we need to take care of ourselves emotionally and not sacrifice our mental health for love.

If we don’t take care of ourselves, what good are we to anyone?

But relationships spark usually for very superficial physical attractiveness reasons.

After all, that’s about all you have to go on in the beginning.

And then things get more complicated as we begin to realize that there is a person behind that facade of attractiveness.

And that inner person may not fill up the outer shell that drew us in.

So, what to do?

The problem is that this is not going to happen just sometime…

it will happen every time.

It might take minutes, hours, days, weeks, or years…

but it will happen.

And when it does, what then?

Most of the time we bolt, don’t we? Which is why there is a divorce rate approaching 50%.

Or, we can anal-ize the many prickly nuances of the relationship in a vain attempt to come to some rational conclusions.

The truth of the matter is just this…relationships are damn hard.

Not just some of them…all of them.

I will agree with Srini’s friend (a very attractive lady by the name of Charmaine, by the way) that if being your own man is just not good enough, it’s probably time to say goodbye.

And that unless and until we try that…being our own man, that is…maybe we should stick it out for a while and see what happens.

OK, fine…I am on board with that one.

But being “our own man” isn’t going to cure the fact that relationships are going to get messy, ugly even…

And when they do, what should we do…

We stick with it.

If we have committed to this person…if we “love” this person…I believe that’s what must be done.

And, we continue to give that person the love and respect they deserve, even when we don’t feel like it.

And, believe me, there will be lots of times like that!

That may be what being “a man” in the context of a relationship is really about.

There is a chapter in my eBook, School of Hard Knocks – 10 Lessons Learned, that says just this. That the number one killer of relationships is lack of respect…which I believe signifies a lack of commitment.

I don’t know what being me always is supposed to look like, still figuring that one out…but I do know what disrespect looks and feels like.

I am a simple minded guy and I like to boil things down to simple terms.

You can even call me old-fashioned…just don’t call me old!

And when it comes to relationships, I believe less over-thinking and more commitment and respect, is what’s really needed.

So, want to have a profoundly positive impact on your relationship? Try respect…the rest is mostly just chemical!

image credit: bcrudo via Compfight cc

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Filed Under: Removing Impact Blinders Tagged With: relationships, school of hard knocks, srini rao

Stand Against Hate

July 23, 2014 by costaricaguy Leave a Comment

Stand Against Hate

I once wrote about respect being a right.

But I don’t believe that hate is a right…

nor is it, ever, right.

Take this once again inflamed and never ending conflict between the Israelis and the Palestinians.

Yes, Israel has the right to defend itself.

And equally yes, the Palestinians have a right to be respected as a distinct nation of peoples, free from the grip of Israeli quasi-colonial control.

Neither has the right to hate the other.

And what is this really all about when you get right down to it?

Religion…

Ah, religion…don’t you just love it?

Religion and hate tend to go hand in hand.

We are suppose to hate anyone who doesn’t believe like we do.

Hate them, convert them, or exterminate them.

Religion is one of the few concepts we humans have devised that inspires us to blow each other up with impunity…hell, even blow ourselves up in the process.

I mean, who would do that for, say, the theory of relativity…

even though that one has a lot more empirical evidence to support its basis in fact.

Religion and border protection seem to be the hate “conflagrators” of choice these days.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it once more…

Big proponent of faith I am…

but not of religion.

Nor of borders for that matter.

I have two words that I like to use to describe religion and its influence on us humans…

Impact Blinder!

And right now both sides of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict appear to be blind to the impact of what they are doing to each other and the environment in which their children will grow up.

Religious inspired hate definitely tends to cloud one’s vision of the bigger picture…now doesn’t it?

But I do have faith nevertheless. The following Face Book page helps keep my faith alive…

Jews and Arabs Refuse to be Enemies

Not faith in religion. Faith in the human capacity to bridge religious divides.

Faith in love.

I read a lot these days about how the U.S. needs to “stand with Israel.”

Here’s a novel alternative…

Why not stand for peace?

And stand against hate.

image credit: turkpanzer via Compfight cc

Filed Under: Removing Impact Blinders Tagged With: palestinian israeli conflict, religion, removing impact blinders

Free Radicals – Angela Davis Remembered

July 19, 2014 by costaricaguy Leave a Comment

Angela Davis - Free Radicals

Well de gal in danger, de gal in chains, but she keep on pushin’, would you do the same?

She countin’ up de minutes, she countin’ up de days.

She’s a sweet black angel, not a gun toting teacher, not a Red lovin’ school marm;

ain’t someone gonna free her,

free de sweet black slave,

free de sweet black slave.

Rolling Stones, Sweet Black Angel

Yesterday I watched an excellent documentary about Angela Davis, entitled, Free Angela and All Political Prisoners.

You might not remember who Angela Davis was. Let me jog your memory.

She was a black girl who grew up in Birmingham, Alabama and later become a central figure in the civil rights movement and a counterculture icon along the lines of Che Guevara.

She was charged with murder when it was found that she had purchased the guns used in a plot to gain the freedom of the Soledad Brothers, one of which was the love of her life, George Jackson. A plot that ended in violence and the death of a Superior Court judge in Marin County, California.

She became a fugitive and was placed on the FBI’s 10 Most Wanted list. She was ultimately captured in New York and held without bail for over a year, since her charges were punishable by death. When California overturned the death penalty, the judge granted a motion to free her on bail. A white dairy farmer put up his property as security for the bail bond and Davis was released and later found innocent of all charges by an all-white jury.

Davis is currently a professor at UCLA, where she had previously been dismissed due to her openly professed affiliation with the Communist Party USA.

Angela Davis was a revolutionary. Her actions were motivated not from a sense of hatred, but out of an intense desire to end the oppression of her black brothers and sisters, as well as other oppressed peoples in the world at large.

It seems that some people in our society want to deny that such oppression exists. They readily dismiss it while condemning figures such as Davis and Guevara. But it certainly does exist.

Angela believed that in order to halt the oppression, a systematic change had to take place.

I believe that she was willing to use violence to that end…at least back then.

That is where we would part ways.

You see, I don’t really see how violence will ever end oppression since, after all, violence is itself the ultimate oppressor.

Violence doesn’t solve problems, but only potentially suppresses them, for a time.

I don’t believe all the bombs that Israel could ever drop on the Palestinians, including the ultimate one, can fix their real problem of having the entire Arab world aligned against them.

In fact the current bloodshed will only make things worse.

Rather I believe what needs to change is the way people think and ultimately act.

You see “the system” obtains its power from the people. Without that support it will change, or crumble and be replaced.

If the system has been corrupted to benefit the few at the expense of the many…then the many need to withdraw their support for it. And that requires a change in the way the many think…a change in mindset.

Because the system needs our support.

It’s paradoxical, but true, that often the oppressed are lending their support, perhaps unwittingly, to the very system that oppresses them!

And this brings me to remind readers that THAT is what the REVOLUTIONARY Misfit blog is all about.

Don’t let that world “revolutionary” throw you back…it’s not about the violent overthrow of anything, except perhaps hard-headedness.

I wonder if Angela had really thought through the implications of a violent overthrow of the current social order. To be replaced with what?

And would the replacement really be any better…

or, potentially even worse?

No, I believe the best revolutionary solutions should be implemented first between the ears and then in the ways we conduct our daily lives. And certainly in the way we view and treat our “neighbors”, regardless of how differently they might look or think.

If we routinely make decisions that support the status quo…that support the system, then guess what?

It ain’t going to change.

But if we change the way we think about these things and the decisions we make, then yes, it is entirely possible to change the system for the better…

without ever firing a gun, or detonating a bomb.

If we put the impact of our thoughts and actions over our own self interest, especially our economic interest, or the interest in maintaining a lifestyle that this world can no longer support…

If we adopt the mindset of The Big US… that we truly are all in this planetary boat together…

And if we take off the Impact Blinders that influence or intimidate us into believing and labeling any non-systematic idea as a bad one…

then and only then can change take place…

and the situation for People and Planet permanently improve.

image credit: GUANOdesign via Compfight cc

Filed Under: Removing Impact Blinders Tagged With: Angela Davis, removing impact blinders

Stranger than Fiction

July 10, 2014 by costaricaguy Leave a Comment

stranger than fiction

No one could make this shit up…

er…real life.

Consider…

Germany scoring 5 goals against World Cup host team Brazil in the first 30 minutes of play…

and then going on to win the game 7 – 1, in one of the most lopsided World Cup matches in history…

Oh yea and dare I not forget to mention my beloved Costa Rica team making it to the quarter finals for the first time in the nation’s history despite being in the so-called “group of death”…

Women and children from Central America (a part of the world near and dear to me) amassing on U.S. – Mexican borders, fleeing from violence and abject poverty in their own countries and encountering raw hatred from U.S. citizens…

a startling reaction from the “nation of immigrants”…

Israelis and Palestinians at each other’s throats…

again…

Iraq just about ready to implode…

Sarah Palin calling for Barack Obama’s impeachment for not agreeing with her questionable expertise on how the country should be run…

Oh yes, I could go on.

I don’t know how you feel, but it seems to me that the facts of real world events are getting stranger…

stranger than fiction even.

One thing I love and that is really refreshing about my existence here in Costa Rica is the absence of this cut-throat competition that seems to rule the day in far away places.

Business against business…

Religion against religion…

Political view against contrary view…

White against black…

Black against white…

Youth against age…

Age against youth…

Fiction against fact…

It brings me back to the words of Bertrand Russell in this old BBC interview…

In case you missed it, this is what Russell said…

Love is wise, hatred is foolish. In this world, which is getting more and more closely interconnected, we have to learn to tolerate each other…we have to learn to put up with the fact that some people say things that we don’t like. We can only live together in that way and if we are to live together and not die together we must learn the kind of charity and tolerance which is absolutely vital to the continuation of human life on this planet.

He said it long before the advent of the internet. So even though the concept of not being too adept at “putting up” had been around for some time, much of what Russell said could be viewed as prescient.

You know I sometimes get tired of writing in a vacuum. I’ve been at it for some time and it often seems that no one is listening to the message of this blog.

Which is the relatively simple, yet I believe important (I started to write profound, but that just didn’t feel right), message that…

we should just all get along a little better.

That we should learn to live together…

And to learn the kind of charity…

and tolerance…

that is indeed vital to the continuation of life on this planet.

Because the FACT is that People and Planet are actually more important than religious views…or political views…or economic views…or even World Cup matches…or Sarah Palin’s career as a quasi-political celebrity hack.

Those are all bound up in fiction anyway.

Whereas people and planet are FACTS that we all must contend with.

Impact mindfulness is a concept that recognizes and promotes that…

The promotion of people and planet…

yea, that’s what this blog is all about.

Can’t you just listen a little?

image credit: sp4vp08 via Compfight cc

Filed Under: Removing Impact Blinders Tagged With: removing impact blinders

Virtual Vitriol

July 8, 2014 by costaricaguy Leave a Comment

Meaningful discussions are in grave danger of extinction these days.

Why is that?

Why is every issue of the day so emotionally charged?

Take the current immigration debate for instance…

or, the entire presidency of Barack Obama.

I just had a friend visit from the States. He is definitely on the right, while I tend to have views that are more left-leaning.

One thing I tried hard to stay away from during his two-week visit…

any politically charged discussion…what-so-ever!

But you know there’s a really serious problem lurking underneath all this virtual vitriol…

the ability to arrive at any solution to any problem…what-so-ever!

Does it matter that people are hurting…

and hungry…

and the weather is getting weirder…

and the world more and more dangerous?

Or, is the only thing that matters really is that my currently-held views on the issues of the day prevail as the “right” ones?

I can tell you that the views I once held on a whole host of issues, political and otherwise, were quite different from those I now hold on those same issues.

What does that tell you?

Could it be that what you think is the gospel truth right now at this moment in time…

really isn’t?

What if the things you take for granted turn out to be, well, just plain wrong.

What if those kids that are amassing at the border really aren’t after your jobs…

but just after a safe place to grow up in?

What if the Affordable Care Act doesn’t end up being the disaster you are so resolutely convinced that it will be?

What if President Obama really isn’t a socialist?

Or, the devil incarnate?

What if your being able to maintain a non-sustainable lifestyle really isn’t the best idea for people (yea, that includes you)…or planet?

I believe the chance for a meaningful discussion depends on being able to step back and see the possibility of all the what ifs…

To see the world as it really is…

a really big place with a whole lot of people possessing dramatically different viewpoints.

We have to get beyond the labeling…

and the sniping…

and the fixating on every idea that is not exactly in line with my way of thinking right now…

as being bad, evil even.

Calm and thoughtful discussion of issues is a healthy thing.

An approach that is less concerned with being right…

than it is about being effective…

delivering solutions that really work for the welfare of people and planet…

in general.

We all deserve that…

don’t we?

Filed Under: Removing Impact Blinders Tagged With: removing impact blinders

The Widening Political Divide

June 14, 2014 by costaricaguy Leave a Comment

The Widening Political Divide

Today I’m reaching back into the past and pulling out a post that’s part of my eBook, School of Hard Knocks – 10 Lessons Learned.

You can still get it for free by clicking the link above. However, that’ll change soon since I’ve decided to offer that one for sale on Amazon too.

Hey, I’m a struggling author (wow, felt a little weird to say that) and I need to make a buck or two.

This one on the political divide remains highly relevant, especially considering certain events that have taken place recently…

The separation clause is sort of a joke, when you get right down to it…

It basically says that we have politics and we have religion and never the twain shall meet.

But oh how they do and all too often.

The underpinnings of how politicians propose to govern is often as religiously infused as the gospel hymns of a Sunday morning church service.

And that’s true in other parts of the world as well. It’s just that in the U.S. we pretend that it isn’t.

I believe that opening rant alludes to a fundamental problem we have as a society with politics and governing…

We have too many politicians entrenched in religiously motivated positions. As if the constitution were a document delivered by Moses from the summit of Sinai.

So people and points of view get labeled as this or that. Emotions get heated up. And nothing ever gets done.

My Background in Political Schizophrenia

I’ve never been a politician…never even contemplated “running for office.”

Why would anyone in their right mind do that any way?

Is it really to serve, or to be served?

It seems to be the career route of many of the most ambitious among us…the real “heat seekers” as we used to refer to them in law school.

But over the years I have developed an interest in the topic, at times bordering on obsession. And my political viewpoints have changed drastically in the last decade or so.

I got the notion to apply for law school way back in the late 80’s. Before that fateful day when I stepped foot onto the campus of Campbell University Law School in Buies Creek, North Carolina in 1987, I’d never really given law, politics or government more than a passing thought. That is sort of odd coming from a political science major in my undergraduate studies. But really it was the philosophical aspects of my studies that interested me much more than the political.

Law school changed all that. I became deeply interested in how politics mattered, especially economically. That (and my voracious reading of the Wall Street Journal) led me to a very conservative mindset that prevailed throughout law school and my years in private law practice, as well as my initial entrepreneurial experiences.

In fact, I was a bible toting, Rush Limbaugh daily tuning, brand of right-wing conservative.

Later I did a year of post-graduate studies for a masters in law at Georgetown University. I remember being in the GULC student lounge way back when Bill Clinton debated George Bush Senior and how angry I became when Clinton kicked the old man’s ass up and down the podium.

How can that cocky communist get the best of an honorable Republican, I pondered?

Well, my thinking on those matters has changed…

boy has it changed!

I am often caught shaking my head (like many of my old law school day buddies) and wondering to myself…

WTF?

These days, if I had to give myself a label, it would be left of center…for many, far left.

The genesis of this radical change? Probably my decade long experience in Latin America, as well as growing older (and hopefully a tad wiser). But my expat experience has been, to put it mildly, eye-opening.

However, I really detest labels. I don’t want to be called a democrat, neither a leftist, commie, pinko, bleeding heart liberal and especially not a conservative, in the right-wing sense that the term seems to imply.

I like to think of myself as a “free thinker.”

I owe no party affiliation. Being down here in Costa Rica somewhat isolates me from all the political hubbub that goes on up north. We don’t even get Fox News down here anymore.

But I also know that politics plays an important role in our lives. And it is a topic worth thinking about.

The Right Ain’t Right (and neither is the Left)

So what is my general take on the topic?

In many ways it’s confusing. Conservatives would say that the role of politics or government should be limited to protecting the borders (and many would take a very expansive view of where those borders actually lie) and enforcing the constitution…no more, no less.

Liberals take a somewhat broader view of what role government should play in our lives.

But is either view right?

In fact, does anyone or any form or philosophy of government have it 100% right?

Listen, I’m no expert on this, or really any topic that I am writing about in this eBook, but I do know one thing with absolute confidence..the answer is a resounding NO!

Maybe the harsh reality is that the conflicts and compromises that politics engenders tend to assure that arriving at a “right answer” is not just difficult, but perhaps downright impossible.

Especially if “right” means the answer that pleases everyone.

If you step back and look at the big picture…or the consequences to society of this or that political view, it seems there are always winners and losers.

Prior to Obama we had two terms of Republican executive rule that greatly benefited the few, but the rest of us never received invites to the party.

Obama vowed to change all that, but has he? I would have to admit, not so much (despite giving it a pretty good effort).

So what’s wrong here?

Why doesn’t politics seldom work to do what it should do?

And what is that, exactly?

To make life better for everyone…not just those at the top, middle or bottom of the societal spectrum.

My take at an answer is that politics has become (probably always has been) more about power than about people.

And that power does not necessarily lie with numbers at the polls, but rather the numbers of dollars thrown at the marque players in this high stakes game.

The system thus becomes one in which a warped version of the golden rule prevails…

One in which he who has the most gold, rules.

Bibles and Billfolds

What about the international stage, in the realm of foreign affairs?

What is true between our borders is even more the case outside of them. The U.S. fought a decade long war with a country half a world away with economic incentive at the forefront of every strategic decision made.

So the problem with politics?

Two-fold…

bibles and billfolds to put it bluntly.

We are governed by a bunch that thinks their answer is the only one because the guy upstairs told them so…

but it’s funny that those answers always tend to be ones that have the most lobbyist supporting them.

There are real winners in this game, as well as losers.

The winners tend to be the ones who have the most to lose, economically. Maybe that’s why they seem so dead set on winning.

The losers, those with nothing much to lose, but also who can really least afford to do so.

The result?

A high degree of dis-ease to borrow a phrase from the last chapter.

And that societal unrest is threatening, not just to those at the top, but also the rest of us normal folk (don’t worry I am not including myself in that description) who just want to go about our daily lives in peace and with some degree of order and stability.

The way the game is being played now, that degree of order and stability is being pushed to the limit.

Where is the breaking point?

I don’t know, but we might just be getting close. There have certainly been recent signals that we are.

The election of Barack Obama was a momentous moment for me. It made me feel proud that our nation had come to the point in my lifetime of being able to do such a thing.

But even saying that also makes me cringe a bit.

Why did it take so long?

Anyone who believes that any political view is 100% right should just ponder that question for a moment.

Politics is about power.

It’s not about being right and, sadly, not about people.

But it should at least try to be those things.

And until it does, the political divide will only grow wider and things will get worse…in my humble opinion.

Lesson Learned: Even though it seldom is, politics should be about empowering people and never about power itself.

The Revolutionary Misfit Manifesto - Get it here!

Filed Under: Removing Impact Blinders Tagged With: political divide, politics, removing impact blinders

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