The Blog - Revolutionary Misfit

Struggling

April 1, 2014 by costaricaguy 4 Comments

Have you ever had your water or electricity cut off?

Why do we have to pay for that shit anyway?

This morning feeling that all too familiar sense of struggle…

that life is just one long struggle for survival.

Ever get that sense?

It’s a struggle for most people, me included, to just find a small air pocket in your constantly sinking ship.

To suck in just one more day of life.

But what is it that I’m really struggling against?

Forces out there…

or in here?

If I pause and give that some thought, I come up with not so surprisingly self-originating answers…

such as…

Self-Loathing – which for me seems to be the root of my recurring depression and despair.

Self-Destruction – a tendency that often makes life’s struggles annoyingly arduous.

Self-Pity – a party that no ones wants to join in.

Self-ish-ness – and there is never enough to fill that hole up with satisfaction.

Self-Indulgence – as I have stated before…my Creativity Kryptonite.

Self-Centered-ness – that creates the false illusion that I am alone in this struggle.

Hmm, that’s about it.

So self somehow seems set at the senter of my struggle (with “center” miss-spelled intentionally to make me feel good about something…in this case, my relentless capacity to illiter).

At any point in time you’ll find me struggling.

To pay the goddamn bills.

With relationship issues (currently going through my 3rd separation from my current wife…yea, you heard right…3rd!).

With my tendency to self-destruct whenever I am struggling against something (which I mentioned was mostly all the time).

With this all too frequent feeling that I just don’t measure up to the person I really would prefer to be.

For instance, I feel this blog has a vital message for the world to hear, but I constantly struggle with self-doubt about my worthiness to be the person bringing that message.

And that self-doubt is reinforced by the fact that I struggle to find any one to pay attention.

Hey, just identified another source…

Self-doubt.

Yea, that’s a big one.

Sometimes I just feel like throwing in the towel.

Like Roberto Duran.

I’ve just had about enough of this shit…

I’ll say to my…self.

Then from out of nowhere…like a bolt of proverbial lightning (the best and safest kind)…

inspiration hits.

I get this feeling that even though I struggle…it’s all worth it.

It’s worth fighting against.

And that inspiration is rarely (no…never) about me.

It’s about you.

It’s about what I might be able to do or say or think that could possibly have an impact on your world.

Despite my limitations.

And defects.

And weaknesses.

And the ugliness that still exists in my life.

Something beautiful has the capacity to emerge.

That my seemingly insignificant life…

really…

isn’t.

That’s true inspiration.

And it gives me a reason to go forward…

one second-minute-hour-day more…

into the darkness of struggle…

sword drawn…

and ready to fight the good fight…

against that demon who looks an awful lot like…

me.

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What Interests Me Most?

March 27, 2014 by costaricaguy Leave a Comment

The social network revolution is in full force these days.

It’s common on these social network sites to be asked to reveal your interests.

That is, what interests me most?

And we’re advised to connect with other people and to feign a genuine interest in what is going on in their lives.

But in reality the underlying motive in all this is really self-interest, isn’t it?

We have something to sell so we try to connect with as many people as possible, under the guise of being “interested”, in order to subtly suggest that they buy.

I guess it just goes against human nature to be more interested in others than one is in him or herself.

The realization that people really don’t give a rat’s behind about anything but themselves is a lesson that often comes later in life.

As a general matter, they don’t care about, nor are they interested in, you or anything about you.

It kinda hurts…

Don’t believe it? Just try to start a blog and then get someone to actually pay attention to it…

It is the dawning of the realization that “survival of the fittest” means that you better look out for number one because nobody else is going to.

But is that the way it was meant to be?

Do you really think the creator of all that is, or god (if you believe in that sort of concept), really designed us to be little bastions of self-interest?

Have you ever met someone who is genuinely un-self-interested?

That is a rare person to come across.

I can’t say that I have, at least not in person.

I mean people like Mother Teresa and Gandhi come to mind, or Jesus.

People who really didn’t care about what was in it for them and worked hard and sacrificed even to the point of death to make life better for others.

How was life for them I wonder?

What is it like to be completely un-self-interested?

Is it liberating, or confining?

Does it bring joy, or misery, hardship and disappointment?

I wouldn’t know, being a person who has lived his 53 years relatively, say 90%, self-interested.

It seems to me that although the aforementioned suffered in life, they certainly left a remarkable legacy. They accomplished great things despite their apparent disdain or indifference towards power, prestige or promotion.

Take politicians for example. What is it that they’re really after?

Is it to serve the people, or just to get re-elected?

And why is getting re-elected so important?

What is it about Washington, D.C. that’s so enticing to them? I lived there for a year and it wasn’t all that.

I would venture a guess that 99.99% of them are more concerned about “what’s in this for me” than they are about “what’s in this for us”…

wouldn’t you agree?

But what if we really weren’t created to be so self-interested.

Maybe we were designed to be more like Mother Teresa, Gandhi, or even like Christ.

Maybe real success, fulfillment, joy and even abundance is found in being genuinely un-self-interested.

Maybe the right way to view this social network revolution is not in finding out how to harness its power for me, but in harnessing its power to do something to improve the lives of others.

Just a thought.

Let’s face it, the correct answer to that frequent question about what interests me most is…

ME.

But maybe real “success” can be found in having the capacity to answer that question, truthfully, with a simple…

Y-O-U.

I want you to be concerned about your next door neighbor. Do you know your next door neighbor?

Mother Teresa

Man becomes great exactly in the degree in which he works for the welfare of his fellow-men.

Mohandas Gandhi

I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

Jesus Christ in John 10:10

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Hunting for Validation

March 26, 2014 by costaricaguy Leave a Comment

I have always prided myself on being a humble guy.

Wait, what’d I just say (write)…??…

“prided” myself on being humble?

What an oxymoron.

The very opening betrays a subtle underlying problem.

The constant yearning, obsession, and need for validation.

And the corresponding and terrifying fear of its counterpart, rejection.

I guess we all have it to one degree or another.

And it is the antithesis of humility.

I am not saying that the appreciation of validation is wrong. It’s perfectly natural to feel that familiar swelling of the ego when earned recognition comes our way.

What I am referring to is the desire for validation that really meddles with life.

That’s the kind that tends to direct where you go, who you meet (and love) and what you do.

I believe when one searches so arduously for this elusive “thing” called validation, it probably (perhaps certainly) means that there is none of it within.

It’s a constant hunting for validation out there somewhere.

And that’s a very dangerous safari indeed.

There are lions and tigers and bears out there who will eat you alive with rejection.

And these days I feel as if I have been chewed up and spit out.

So maybe it’s time to stop the insane pursuit.

Like that intense little boy in the superb film, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close.

He obsessively pursued validation from his father, even after his father was long gone, not knowing all the while that he already possessed it to the nth degree.

And so do we.

That is, we all possess “it” and need nothing further, really. It’s part and parcel of our created reality.

I believe realizing that fact and then halting the hunt is the essence of true humility.

Possess Your Life

March 25, 2014 by costaricaguy 2 Comments

I have a sticky note on my bathroom mirror that reads…

I wonder how my life will turn out today?

The intended emphasis is wonder…

the wonder-ment of life.

But one day I read it differently.

The meaning conveyed was more of a sense of possession.

In our western capitalistic society we are all too familiar with possession, aren’t we?

That’s what life is all about…possessing things.

But sometimes the things we think we possess…

we really don’t at all.

We have a home until the bank takes it.

We have our health until disease takes it.

We have our looks until age takes it.

We have our spouses until separation, divorce, or death takes them.

We have our children until adulthood takes them.

We have our hopes and dreams until disillusionment takes them.

So, what is it that we are really capable of possessing in this life of ours?

That brings me back to my little sticky note…

this life that I have is indeed mine…

it truly is my life.

That is so easy to miss, isn’t it?

You’re persuaded throughout your life that you don’t really possess it at all.

Do you possess your life?

Our does your work, kids, spouse, debts, commitments, infirmities, or circumstances possess your life?

But the truth really is…

My life is mine.

It is the one thing that is truly mine.

The proof is in the fact that solely my decisions (and reactions) control the direction of my life.

You just can’t say that about anything else.

So, really I determine the quality, or lack thereof, of my life…

not circumstances, or things, or people.

So I want to encourage the decision to do just that.

That is, to stop obsessing about what you can’t possess and fully take ownership of what you can…

your life.

Happiness with Artificial Ingredients

March 21, 2014 by costaricaguy Leave a Comment

I’ve been going on lately about happiness.

Seems I’ve come to some recent conclusions on the topic, namely…

that happiness is more plausible when promoted and

shared.

If you think about it those two concepts are related, maybe even the same.

I’m reading Adam Braun’s book, The Promise of a Pencil.

Adam was inspired during a Semester at Sea by a little Indian boy whose one thing most wanted in life was a pencil (which, of course, is a metaphor for an education).

So, Adam started an organization with $25 in the bank called Pencils of Promise that is building schools in places where children would otherwise have no ability to enjoy a decent education.

I believe from the looks of him during the book promotion interviews I’ve seen lately, that he’s pretty doggone happy.

And his happiness is being promoted and shared with children who just want education.

It’s a reciprocal happiness…the kind that really matters…and lasts.

Cool stuff…this happiness.

So, if it’s true that happiness is only real when promoted and shared, then why do we insist on looking for other forms of it?

I’ll call those types….

Happiness with artificial ingredients.

Here are some examples…

Thing-based Happiness – The idea that somehow inanimate objects will bring us happiness. If I could just have that [blank], well then I’ll be happy. Then the thing rusts or runs out and so goes our happiness.

Career-based Happiness – The perfect job will bring the perfect life and the perfect experience of happiness…never happens, especially not these days.

Relational-based Happiness – Wait, doesn’t that contradict with my premise? Well, sort of, but I’m not talking about shared or promoted happiness, but co-dependent happiness…that is, that the only way to experience happiness is to have this or that person. Problem comes when they don’t feel the same way.

Chemically-induced Happiness – We look for happiness in a bottle of booze, or a joint, or line of coke. Problem with those things is that the temporary happiness always has the flip-side, the happiness hangover, which is anything but happy. True happiness doesn’t give hangovers.

Self-indulgence just never works as a formula to achieve lasting happiness.

Success (or goal)-oriented Happiness – Happiness comes from the achievement of some goal, like 6-pack abs, closing the deal, or making the sale, etc. Problem is that once you achieve it, the happiness goes away until the next one.

Good Looks-based Happiness – If I could only look a certain way, maybe I will be able to attract happiness. Externally based happiness, which is really what all of these examples are, is just not real, nor lasting. And that’s especially true with this type…even with the surgery option (think Michael Jackson).

Purpose-based Happiness – If I could just discover my purpose, why it is that I’m here, then I’ll be happy. Problem with this is that you’re here to just be happy, not to discover that fact.

I mean isn’t it kind of absurd that you can only be happy by discovering that you’re suppose to be?

Peace and Tranquility-related Happiness – If I am at peace with myself and others, then happiness will ensue. That’s a state of happiness that is awfully hard to maintain, since the potentially very different conceptions of others are involved.

Intellectual Happiness – Knowledge and intelligence are the keys that will unlock the doors to happiness. Well, sometimes the more we know the more depressed we can become about the precarious state of things.

Dogma-based Happiness – The idea that happiness is discovered on the road to religious conformity and obedience. I’ve seen a few of these types in my lifetime (even been one) and none of them appear to me to be all that happy.

Religious dogma can be a terribly complex and difficult formula for happiness.

I think the problem with all of the above is that happiness is never discovered “out there”, but rather “in here.”

And, once experienced, it just doesn’t work out so well to try and keep it to yourself.

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The Truth of Christopher McCandless

March 19, 2014 by costaricaguy 3 Comments

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?

Interesting philosophical question.

Yesterday I read a quote by the late Christopher McCandless that appeared on a Facebook post.

It inspired me to dig deeper.

McCandless was a backpacker who donned the name Alexander Supertramp. He shunned all materialistic excesses of society and made his way to the Alaska wilderness.

He even disposed of his prior identity and never told a soul where he was going.

For his family, he just up and vanished.

He thought that happiness, or ultimate freedom, could be found in the wild.

Living off the land.

His adventure is documented in a book and movie, both entitled In the Wild.

McCandless lived in an abandoned bus that had been converted into a hunting shelter for 112 days before succumbing to fatigue and starvation from lack of available food.

He thought that he was cut off from any means of return by the rain-swollen river, but in reality there was a hand-operated tram that he could have used to cross only a quarter mile away.

So, you see, his isolation existed mainly inside his head…

but that’s exactly what he wanted.

In the movie, one of the last entries in his diary, scribbled with shaky hands inside the warmth of his sleeping bag…the place where he was found some time later, dead, decaying and weighing less than 70 pounds…was this…

Happiness is only real when shared.

That one made me think.

For the last decade I’ve been on my own personal odyssey.

Like McCandless, I grew tired of the rules. Of the norms that society, at least the one I came from, placed on me.

So, in not quite so dramatic a form as McCandless, I decided to make my own personal escape.

A search for happiness…and freedom.

Isolated from those who do really love me, rather than happiness, or freedom, I’ve found, like McCandless, what is more akin to slow death…a starvation of love.

McCandless made his discovery a little too late in the game.

I hope it’s not too late for me.

He had his adventures, as have I…but what we were both searching for never came in those moments of extreme isolation.

Rather they were found in the company of those we care for.

I believe we humans were created to be social creatures.

We don’t function so well in isolation. Maybe that’s why solitary confinement is such a dreaded form of torture.

We were created to love and to be loved.

So, as an alternative to the tree question, I would like to pose a different philosophical conundrum …

If an adventurous sort seeks happiness alone in the jungles of Costa Rica…can that emotion ever truly exist?

Sometimes life’s lessons come very hard.

Selfless-Esteem

March 16, 2014 by costaricaguy Leave a Comment

I think self-esteem and vanity are correlated…

albeit, inversely.

Because the most vain are generally the ones with the lowest self-esteem.

That is, self-consciousness, vanity and low self-esteem tend to go hand in hand.

It would appear that the more I am concerned about me and how the world sees me, the more I tend to not like me that much.

This is especially true of the most beautiful among us.

Why do Hollywood starlets routinely fall from the pedestal upon which we loft them to the depths of despair, drug addiction and self-inflicted death?

Because of an empty sense that they don’t quite measure up to the image we’ve projected upon them?

The psychologist tells me that my problems stem from low self-esteem.

That I need to be in love with that person I see in the mirror each morning.

But that’s particularly hard when I don’t really know who that person is.

Who am I…seriously?

A body?

A product of my past?

A job that I do?

A father?

A husband?

A failure?

Truth is, I’m not any one, nor all, of those things.

Who, or what, I am is a potential fulfillment of the purpose of my creator, here for a specific reason, and that reason has nothing to do with my, or the world’s, narrow conception of me.

Unless we can get off the dead-end track of thinking about ourselves in such restricted and limited ways, I believe we will never truly live the life we were meant to live.

So, self-esteem doesn’t come from gazing in the mirror each morning and liking what you see.

It comes when we realize that there is a purpose to be served that cannot possibly be contained in that limited reflection.

In that sense, self-esteem should be an entirely selfless concept…it becomes selfless-esteem…

hmm, kinda takes some of the pressure off, doesn’t it?

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Something About a Mountain

March 12, 2014 by costaricaguy Leave a Comment

There’s just something about a mountain.

I grew up a flat-lander, on the coasts of North and South Carolina.

However, mountains have always drawn me, mysteriously, like a cosmic magnetic pull.

Maybe that is the reason I love Costa Rica so much.

I have often wondered what exactly it is that keeps me glued here?

I believe it may be the mountains that Costa Rica has in abundant supply.

So many people flock to Costa Rica for its beaches, or to see the Arenal Volcano.

Granted Costa Rica has gorgeous beaches and the Arenal Volcano is an amazing sight to behold, but for yours truly the real magic is up in those mountains.

When I look up at the majestic peaks, I feel inspired and I start to wonder. What would it be like to stand on top of that peak right now? How long would it take to get there? What is life like for the people I can see living within those vibrant green folds? What could I discover in a journey to the top?

I am a person with a fairly high sense of adventure. Mountains are the best way I know to satisfy my craving.

I have made two treks to the summit of Chirripo, Costa Rica’s tallest peak (at around 12,500 feet), the first one with my oldest daughter. She said it was the hardest thing she’d ever done, but was glad she went.

I think mountains serve to give one a sense of constancy…something that can be relied upon.

After all, they’ve been there for quite a long time, and probably, hopefully, won’t be leaving any time soon.

I can rely on the fact that whenever I leave Costa Rica, usually for flatter ground, those mountains will still be there when I return. It always comes as a relief to see them.

It feels like home.

When I used to get stressed out by the general hustle and bustle of living in a pretty large city (San Jose), where did I go to escape? The mountains.

In fact, I finally made the ultimate escape to Perez Zeledon, which is nestled in the valley between the Talamancas (the highest mountains in the country) and the Fila Costeña (coastal range).

I’ve always had my favorite little mountain hideaways. Places where no one could ever hope to find me. Neither Ex’s nor IRS agents could get to me up there.

I can look down upon everything I imagine might be happening below and feel a sense of removal, the quiet calm of being “above the fray.”

I really need those mountains, almost as much as water, food and fresh air.

Because, my friend, they are food for the soul and without a way to nourish the soul we tend to slip down a rung on the ladder of evolutionary growth.

At least, I do.

Mountains tend to be great for removing impact blinders…for putting one in his or her place.

It is not a coincidence that mountains lead you up…

a little closer to heaven.

Saw this video today about the life cycle of a mountain…

The Weight of Mountains from Studiocanoe on Vimeo.

Hell Hath No Fury

March 11, 2014 by costaricaguy Leave a Comment

Everything I do, I do for my family.

Walter White (WW)

Holy Sh*t…I caught the last few episodes of Breaking Bad that were recently (finally) made available on Netflix.

I know, I know…I’m a little late to the game on this, but remember I live in a different world.

Late last year I caught up with all the episodes that were then available during a marathon session of Netflix vegging out…

It is in my opinion one of the best television series of all time. The very idea of it was pure genius.

During the last few episodes WW’s life completely unraveled and man was it interesting to watch…especially his reactions to it.

He tried desperately to retain some semblance of rationalized “goodness” as he implored his family to pack and make a getaway after the famous standoff in the desert where WW had buried his millions.

I have unraveled and re-raveled several times in recent decades.

Currently going through another potential unraveling and that made watching these last episodes all the more interesting.

What did I learn?

Well, I wrote the following last year (for CRG) and I believe it is still cogent…

Spent Saturday watching Breaking Bad episodes from Season 5 on Netflix.

I caught the first few episodes of the series on TV when it initially aired and really liked it. But then I moved to a place where I no longer could get them, so I missed everything after Season 1, until Saturday.

I remember sympathizing with the main character, Walter White, after the first few shows. He had been dealt a very shitty hand. While his method of dealing with it may not have been the best, hey, could you blame him?

But as I watched Season 5 it immediately became obvious that something had changed. The cancer was gone. The money problems pretty much solved.

But WW was hooked. Not on his product, but on being the best at producing it. He had become “the best” and all that mattered was being that, consequences (to his marriage, family, others that got in his way, etc.) be damned.

Money really wasn’t the issue at all at this point…

it was ego.

And we all know that hell hath no fury like a middle-aged man scorned.

By that age one has hardened. And the fact is that the world is pretty much run by these guys.

The impact blinders are firmly in place and rarely removed.

Ego becomes the primary driver.

After all no one knows better than them, right?

Walter White was certainly a smart guy. No one can doubt that.

So, why the dumb dedication to a craft that would surely do him in, eventually?

Couldn’t he have found a better way to employ that meticulous mind of his?

Not when ego is in the driver’s seat.

Not when the thing that mattered most was retaining his throne as king of the meth cooking world.

What is the thing that matters most to you? Is it something that feeds the ego?

When ego is at the wheel, you can definitely make some serious impacts…albeit almost exclusively negative and self-centered ones.

At 52 (Walter’s age…mine as well), a cynical and ego-driven world view can really kick into overdrive.

After all, there ain’t many new tricks out there for these old dogs.

Also, time is running out, so better look out for number 1…

while he’s still available.

And the average age of a U.S. Congressman is 57.

Scary thought, huh?

WW meets his end where it all began…the floor of the meth lab.

The smile on his face betraying the true location of his darkened heart.

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The Elusivity of Happiness

March 9, 2014 by costaricaguy 2 Comments

Self-actualization is possible only as a side-effect of self-transcendence.

Victor Frankl

Just re-read Victor Frankl’s amazing book, Man’s Search for Meaning.

Frankl’s revolutionary premise, which inspired a new branch of psychotherapy, which he called logotherapy, was in suggesting that one’s meaning is not found in the asking, but in the answering.

That is, we are not to ask, “oh life, what meaning might thou findeth in thee?”…

But, rather, life asks us…

and we alone have the responsibility to answer with our own unique purpose.

In that sense, one’s meaning is unconditional…that is, it doesn’t depend on any circumstance…it transcends circumstances…

as Frankl’s own dramatic Nazi concentration camp examples demonstrate.

I find myself asking, again, rather than taking the responsibility that Frankl suggests is key.

So, I started rummaging around for past examples of correct thinking on this matter…to help re-convince myself and mend the error of my latest wrong-headed relapse…

This one on the elusivity of happiness stood out…

Where is happiness located?

Our Declaration of Independence speaks of the “pursuit” of happiness, an expression that lends credence to its elusiveness.

Happiness must be pursued because it is indeed an elusive and often ephemeral thing.

A deeply religious person will tell you that happiness is found in God, in your faith and in conforming all your actions to be consistent with what you believe from a religious standpoint. That we stumble onto happiness on the road of religious obedience.

Our secular and highly commercialized society conveys the idea that happiness is found in things, that it resides “out there” in the world and it is your responsibility to go out and grab as much of it as you can.

Much of the literature that we read, great novels and poems that move us emotionally, express that happiness is found in romance. That romantic love is the location where happiness resides.

But I can tell you from my own experience that true and lasting happiness is not located in any of these places, as I have visited each and experienced just as much misery there as anywhere else.

Happiness is an emotion and in that sense it occupies the small amount of space located between the ears.

But if happiness is found in such an obvious and easily accessible location, why does it remain so elusive?

Moreover, why are we told in our founding document that it is a thing to be “pursued” when all along we have the capacity to “conjure it up” with our own focused thought?

We often talk about happiness being fleeting…that just as soon as we have it, it tends to dissipate, dissolve or just disappear.

Why is that?

I submit to you it is because our general ideas about happiness are all wrong.

Happiness is a mysterious quality that tends to become more of a consistent experience in life when it is promoted than when it is pursued.

If you think about it, the happiest among us are those who tend to be more concerned about the happiness of others than of their own, wouldn’t you agree?

Happiness spreaders tend to be happier than happiness pursuers.

The reason is because the quality, or state, of happiness has a lot to do with our feelings about ourselves. If a person is focused solely on himself or herself, it is very easy to become discouraged and disillusioned.

That’s because the more laser-like we direct our focus on ourselves, i.e., the more self-interested we are, the more apparent our imperfections, or those related to our circumstances, become.

We begin to realize that we are not the perfect specimens of humanity that we may have deluded ourselves into believing.

We, or things, are really screwed up.

But as soon as we direct that focus to helping others find happiness, all those imperfections disappear, or at least cease to matter all that much.

Instead we discover that despite them we do have the capacity to make a difference…

to have a positive impact and influence on others.

We have the ability to spread happiness and in so doing, a magical thing happens…

we discover true and lasting happiness ourselves.

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